Funny Facts and Things You Should Know About Your Cat
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD
10. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy"
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip
7. Your web browser has a new home page: www.feline.com/
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "Cyber Dog"
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it
3. You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and WarCat II
2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post
TOP SIXTEEN SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE PLANNING TO KILL YOU
16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden
15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill
14. He actually has your tongue
13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch
12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house
11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed
10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip
9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM"
8. You catch him with a new mohawk, looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose
2. You find a piece of paper labeled "My Will" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT"
and the number one sign your cat may be planning to kill you...
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines
TOP TEN REASONS WHY KITTENS ARE BETTER THAN BABIES
10. Veterinarians have evening hours
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't to breast-feed your kitten
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten
3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten
and the number one reason why kittens are better than babies
1. You only have to change a litter box once a day!
|A CAT'S PRAYER|
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule -
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
TOP SIXTEEN SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets and nine suicide bombs
11. What you thought was "heat"; is actually a four-legged goose step
10. Well "somebody" subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN building
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floow spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head"
6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23
3. Has recently been acting somewhat...aloof
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies
1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine
THINGS CATS MUST REMEMBER!
(ok. . . things we would like cats to remember)
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files."
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.