How To Give Your Cat A Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his checks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat.
Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck, with cat's head outside cupboard. Force cat's mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdrivier from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw blooded, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalpyplus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dinning table. Put on heavy-duty pruning glvoes. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in 1 ounce of raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat , and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt another goldfish.